A simple search on Google about barleygreen bullshit yielded results about magnet therapy bullshit (Don’t ask me why, it’s on the first page, no less), but in it were gems of truth (perhaps) by a certain Dr. Garrison.

When people feel pain in their wrists from carpal tunnel syndrome, the researcher explained, nerve cells are sending that pain information to the spinal cord. However, if people wear a bracelet that contains a magnet to ease the pain, the pressure from the bracelet will activate other nerves that transmit information about touch to the spinal cord, and these nerves will start to compete with the pain nerve signals, limiting the amount of pain information reaching the brain.

This theory also helps explain why rubbing a painful spot can often make it feel better, Garrison added.

I don’t know how reliable this Dr. Garrison is seeing as a search for him on Google turned up all sorts of weird results, but his theory works for the Phiten necklace and shirts as well. If anything, they serve as mere distractions to my senses, along with my brother’s adidas shorts and my warcraft book.

My street experiments have suffered a huge blow. Phiten shirts cost anywhere between $98-$218. What the fuck.

And, not to forget, the unforgettable comment from a youtuber:

“So I undestand correctly: da computer will play video games for us, so we have more free time? Way cool.”

Way epic. Stupidity on the net knows no bounds. Unless, of course, the commenter speaks of mousehunt bots.

Coolest shit in town

Heck, it’s even worn and endorsed by the top atheletes in USA, such as this random baseball player whom I don’t know! But who cares! It’s endorsed, therefore it must be good for me!

Really cool baseball Lord Man King with Phiten enhancing his powers. I totally need one now.

In order to enhance my manliness so that all shall bow to me, I could not afford to get the cheap imitations that all these poseurs around school were wearing. No, only the most expensive, most original, MADE IN JAPAN Phiten Titanium Necklace X-30 Tribal, which by the way, costs just a meager USD35. Cheap, too cheap. I hope they can make more expensive stuff to satisfy my ego-boost when I can tell people “Oh, not much, it just cost about, 400?”

So began my quest to look cool. I headed down to Marina Square where the Phiten accessory shop was located. It is, like, so totally cool. They have this test to show you the effectiveness of Phiten products! Wasting no time, I put down my bag and allowed the staff to fondle use a Phiten shirt to cover my arm to show me just how effective it can be.

The test is simple. Keeping your elbow locked and arm straight, use your middle finger to lift up a bottle. Then, repeat it again, only this time round, you put a Phiten shirt around your arm.

“Do you feel like it’s lighter? Like your muscles feel less tense?”

It did feel easier to carry. (It really did, no, I’m not lying, nor am I being sarcastic.)

“Do you have any pains, like shoulders being tense or neck pain? Or back pain?”

Yeah, I do have back pain, so the staff member asked to to try to experiment again, once without the shirt, once with the shirt on my back.

Once again, it felt lighter, but this time I do have a ready explanation for it: the guy was supporting my back with his hands because he’s holding the shirt there. (This makes me wonder: what if I say that I have this nagging strain around my groin area?)

The guy then went on to explain really cool stuff to me, which I could then pass on to my friends to show off my knowledge on how Phiten products can actually help me. I am going to do just that now.

Phiten products help release the tension of your muscles when you do exercise or when you simply just utilize them, making activities less strenuous. It does this through ions, because ions sound totally cool and scientific and people will never question scientific notions. The ions will control your bio-electric current (whatever that is) and make it easier for you to carry the bottle. To quote directly from the Phiten website…

In nature, titanium is not a soluble material. However, by utilizing the high-intensity Phild Process, Phiten scientists are able to dissolve titanium in water. This creates Aqua-Titanium.

Aqua-Titanium most prominently used in our necklaces and apparel, where the entire fabric is permeated with Aqua-Titanium and emits energy that effectively controls your bio-electric current.

But.. but.. we learnt in chemistry that Titanium is a metallic structure with strong metallic bonds between them due to the strong electrostatic attractions between metal cations and delocalised valence electrons, and hence the bonds are too strong and Titanium is not soluble in water!

Fear not: there is the Phild process. Here is a diagram of how the Phild process works, once again ripped off from the Phiten website. I credit phitenusa.com here in case I get engaged in a lawsuit.

This stabilizes ions.

Wait a minute… This looks like something else!

Ionic lattice of NaCl

So they change it into an ionic lattice, so it can dissolve! I SEE! But wait again… where do the negative ions come from if Ti can only exist as a positive cation?

Hmmmm…..

So they use some high intensity Phild Process in order to make titanium soluble, but actually turn it into titanium ions which are already soluble and can be obtained really easily anyway without the Phild Process, and generate infinite energy to pop negative ions into existence.

Now, that makes sense.

All the theory boggles me, so I threw it to one side. After all, when I finally get my Phiten product and I look cool, nobody will bug me about the hidden processes behind my successful manly transformation, but rather swoon over me 24-7.

Finally, the time came to make my purchase. As I put the necklace on the counter, the register rang: SGD50.

SHIT. I FORGOT TO CONVERT AND I ONLY BROUGHT SGD35.

So I did the coolest thing to get out of this situation. I leaned over the counter and spoke smoothly to the lady cashier, “Oh dear, it seems I do not have enough money with me right now. Fear not, sweetie, I’ll be back soon from the ATM, ready with cash in hand.”

Raising two seductive eyebrows at her, I left the store, and made a few detours to shake off anybody following me, and ran like mad to the bus stop before getting on a bus home. Good thing nobody from the store caught up with me. My cool status was preserved.

When I got home, I decided to pay homage to my dear Biology teacher Mdm Cross, and perform a control experiment using whatever shirts I could find.

Replacing the bottle with my sling bag (with H2 chem prelim booklet 1 in it, so I daresay it’s about the same weight), I proceeded to do the same experiment, only this time, instead of putting a Phiten shirt over my arm, I put my brother’s adidas shorts over it (I hope he did not do anything dirty in it, the contents may energize me and spoil the control).

Once again, it did feel easier to carry it, although I still cannot explain why. I do have a hypothesis on it:  having a light weight pressing down on your arm would take your mind off the other weight on your middle finger and make you perceive it to be lighter. I think it’s too far-fetched though.

Not done with it, I proceeded to place my warcraft book on my arm and repeated the experiment. It felt easier as well.

Conclusion: people should totally pay me SGD50 to wear my warcraft book on their neck.

I admit, there are many, many flaws in my control experiment, notably: there is only one subject, me.

Hence…

I AM GOING TO TAKE THIS EXPERIMENT TO THE STREETS AFTER A’S. WATCH FOR THE EPIC POST WHEN I FINALLY HAUL MY LAZY ASS OUT OF HIBERNATION AFTER A’S TO DO IT.

But I still don’t look cool

Years ago… What? Oh fine. THOUSANDS of years ago, Robin Hood and his Merry Men used to be slaves under a mongol King named Emmanuel Kahn. The King was kind, and often rewarded Robin Hood and his Merry Men for their hard work even though such generosity should not be imparted to slaves. In return, Robin Hood and his Merry Men worked doubly hard, and this cycle continued till Robin Hood and his Merry Men worked 2²⁵ times as hard as when they first came in.

This, of course, tired out Robin Hood and his Merry Men like never before, and every gift bestowed unto them by the King only forced them to work even harder. Soon, they no longer saw the King as a gentle, saintly man, but one who was evil, and would use reverse psychology just to get his men to work harder. Incensed, Robin Hood and his men plotted a comeback: They were going to steal the King’s most beloved treasure and make away with it.

This treasure was none other than the King’s secret love, as well as Robin Hood’s fellow slave, Maid Marian.

Just stealing Marian away, however, was not enough for Robin Hood and his Merry Men to get over their anger. They had to break the King’s heart. So, on a dark and stormy night, when Kahn’s wife was out and Kahn was busy making love with Marian, Robin Hood and his Merry Men sneaked in.

Oh, how long they waited for the perfect moment! They waited, and waited, and finally, their patience paid off. Just as Kahn shouted, “我来也! 我来也!” Robin Hood swooped in, formed a human chain with his 140 other Merry Men, and passed Maid Marian all the way to Jiangxi.

How it broke the King’s heart! To lose his loved one, as well as his valued slaves, all in one night! Grieved, he left his semen for his wife, and hung himself. 9 months later, Genghis Kahn became the first test tube baby to be born.

As the words “我来也!” were the very words that signalled the start of Robin Hood’s new life, whenever he stole from the rich, he would shout out, “我来也!” before coming down on the wealthy aristocrats and stripping them of their valuables. This was a sign of Robin Hood’s humility; he would not forget about his humiliating past even if he were to make it big in life.

The stories of Robin Hood and his Merry Men were passed down generation after generation. Writers of his stories finally found publishers when the Chinese invented the printer. These stories were then shipped over to the European countries, the very first sign of globalisation. However, because the haughty Europeans were unhappy that the Chinese could create such a wondrous invention as the printer, and because they were all prim and proper, they censored the story and made a whole new setting for the story, which is what most of us know it by today.

Moral of the story? Chinese should be credited with the invention of IVF as well, retards.

It is dawn. The beginning of yet another wondrous day in the forests of Canada. Of the hundreds of millions of species dwelling in these forests, we shall take a look at the seemingly insignificant, yet hugely important animal: the Yellow-bellied Sapsucker.

“Tock, tock, tock, tock,” here we see the hungry little bird furiously pecking away at the tough bark of the evergreen Elm, pausing in between several pecks as it picked up the little insects tucked away deep within the tree. As the saying goes, “The early bird catches the worm.” This bird, however, is late, so it gets the white slip. The white sap, now having become more runny due to the warm weather in the late morning, dribbles out of the hole the bird made, and flows under the bird, causing it to slip.

The Yellow-bellied Sapsucker falls 3 feet down and lands with a soft “poof”. Poor bird. It gets up, dazed, but ruffles its feathers and quickly looks around for any hyenas that might take advantage of this extremely embarrassing situation and laugh at it. It spots none, as it is Canada, not Africa. Immediately, it flies up the Elm again, carefully avoiding any spots where it would get the white slip again.

Such is the life of a Yellow-bellied Sapsucker. It eats, sleeps, shits and mates, but yet it does not know how essential it was in creating the world as we know today. This bird is a highly complex creature, and all that complexity lies in its yellow belly.

We often wonder, “Why is the sky blue?”, or “Why is the grass green?”, but never “Why is the Yellow-bellied Sapsucker yellow?” This, dear viewers, is actually pretty simple, and we must trace the roots of this bird before we can find out why.

You see, when the ancient God Prometheus took pity on man and brought flame to Earth, He flew by the jungle so that Zeus could not see him. However, the Yellow-bellied Sapsucker, or the Sapsucker, as it was known then, spotted Prometheus zooming past it with a torch in his hand. Quizzically, it asked, “Wherefore art thou rushing to, my dear Prometheus?”

To that, Prometheus replied, “With haste I bring humans this, for their freedom!” and raised his torch. Coincidentally, a French who travelled back in time took a picture of this particular scene, and went back to the future, using this inspiration to create the Statue of Liberty.

The Sapsucker said, “DIE! Ye have stolen the Lord Almighty Zeus’ fire! He is going to be so mad at thee. Well, not if he finds out, if ye get what I mean.”

With resignation, Prometheus sighed, “Fine, sucker. What dost thou want of me?”

“Give me a yellow belly.”

So, after fulfilling the Sapsucker’s weird request, Prometheus continued on with his quest, bringing fire to the people before returning to Olympus. However, upon his return, he was immediately chained by Zeus, who was waiting for him.

“Why art thou doing this to me!” Prometheus cried.

“Dost thou thinketh that I know not of your deeds?” Zeus thundered.

“But… But how!” Prometheus whimpered.

“A little bird on my shoulder whispered it into my ear,” Zeus replied, thus unwittingly coining one of the most widely used phrases.

With that, the Sapsucker, now Yellow-bellied, got Prometheus into years of pain, and put itself in favour with the omnipotent Zeus, who continued to ensure that the yellow on its belly did not fade away.

Now that it was yellow, the Yellow-bellied Sapsucker finally established the fact that it was a dirty fellow. No predator dared to come near to it, and the species flourished.

However, most importantly, the yellow belly allowed the world to proceed from monochrome to full colour. Televisions back in our grandparents’ days were actually colour, but they appeared to display only black and white as the world was, well, black and white. However, with the evolution of the Sapsucker from black and white to yellow, with cross species mating, cross pollination and natural selection, slowly, the world was filled with colour. The Yellow-bellied Sapsucker brought us life and vibrancy in the once dull and dark world.

This is a feat that was unachievable by man, but a single witty bird brought us colour. So next time, when you do see this little bird pecking away at a tree, show it some love. Pluck it off the tree, and paint it a different hue. It gets pretty boring being yellow all the time.

P.S. The yellow-bellied Sapsucker is not yellow. It is largely black and white.

1. In our everyday lives, we are always looking for a goal, a source of inspiration, something that we aspire to be. We often say that that brings meaning to our life. Well, I cannot bring that experience to you, but I can bring to you quotes of these great people that you look up to, to get a chance to be closer to them, to feel like you know what it is like to be like them, and ultimately, to shape you into what they are. These quotes are here to help you continue to dream and fight, mostly dream.

2. Actually, Jarrell just had an instantaneously classic quote during DotA. So I have decided to jump on this quote, strangle it while it is thrashing around on the ground and make it mine.

Random Opponent: Never mind never mind, don’t talk to noobs.

Jarrell: Yeah, I realised I shouldn’t.

Random Opponent: Good, stfu.

Well well.

Now, get some used underwear ready to wipe those manly tears away.

As quoted from leeqi,

Enjoy. It’s the uncensored one.

“Let’s stop and take a rest, Hood. I need a mud bath soon,” the pig complained.

“No. We must press on. Night is coming and we have to cover as much distance as possible,” Red Riding Hood replied.

“Reeeeeeeeest,” the pig whined.

“Ok fine. Let’s settle this with rock-paper-scissors like we did the last time,” Red Riding Hood said.

Being the male chauvinistic pig that he is, the pig boasted, “Ha! Fine by me, I will never lose to a small girl like you!”

“One… Two… Three…”

At three, Red Riding Hood threw out her clenched fist, while the pig whipped out his trotter.

“ROCK! HA! I win again! Let’s move on!” Red Riding Hood exclaimed.

“Oh fine,” the pig grunted disgruntedly.

Now we see why.

The sun beat down harshly on Red Riding Hood and her trusty pig as they ventured on to rescue the past heroes’ dignity and pride. It has been two days since they left Lupin, but they were nowhere closer to finding any leads to help them out. Instead, the past two days have been severely taxing for them, with their food supply and their morale running dangerously low.

“Sniff sniff. Oink. I smell something! It could be food!” The pig grunted excitedly and rushed off into a dense forest that they had just come upon.

“Hey hey wait! It could be dangerous! Oh darn it. Dumb pig,” Red Riding Hood grumbled to herself before chasing after her pig.

“AIEEEEEEEEE! WHAT’S THIS!!!!” Red Riding Hood and her pig immediately shrieked as they went into the forest. Rows upon rows of people were hugging trees and greeted our heroes in a chorus,

“Hey man… Yo…. What’s up dudes….”

“Uh…. Ahaha.. Uh.. Wrong place sorry! We’ll leave right now,” Red Riding Hood replied immediately.

“No yo…. No one leaves the hippie forest without experiencing some love yo….” The crowd chanted back.

“What? No no no, we just want to find some place to get some food. Is there any food here in this forest?”

“No yo… You don’t need food to survive… All you need is love yo…”

“Yeah man… That and some sap from this tree… Gets you high yo….”

At this moment, a guy suddenly grabbed Red Riding Hood by her hand and said almost too soothingly, “Here girl… take off your hood and feel some love yo… Don’t be shy…”

“AHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH!!!! HELP ME PIG!!! HELP ME!!!!” Red Riding Hood screamed hysterically as she tried to pry her attacker off her. The pig tried to save her by oinking at the sidelines, but to no avail. Just as Red Riding Hood’s hoodie was about to be taken off by the hippie, psychedelic lights shone out of her and blinded the hippies.

“Don’t tell me… Don’t tell me you are…” The pig gasped, stopping beforehand so that the hippies could continue for added effect.

“The… the 520…” The rest of the hippies uttered in hushed voices.

“What…? What 520?” Red Riding Hood asked back.

To be continued…

To which I, the great man who has studied the marvellous world of Pokemon for almost a decade, replied:

Right. I shall now leave you people with a cute gif of the un-evolved form of the abovementioned.