我来也!

Everybody has heard about Robin Hood and his Merry Men, and how these outlaws screwed around in the forests of Nottinghamshire. However, did you know that historians have actually gotten their facts wrong, and Robin Hood is in fact Chinese?

Years ago… What? Oh fine. THOUSANDS of years ago, Robin Hood and his Merry Men used to be slaves under a mongol King named Emmanuel Kahn. The King was kind, and often rewarded Robin Hood and his Merry Men for their hard work even though such generosity should not be imparted to slaves. In return, Robin Hood and his Merry Men worked doubly hard, and this cycle continued till Robin Hood and his Merry Men worked 2²⁵ times as hard as when they first came in.

This, of course, tired out Robin Hood and his Merry Men like never before, and every gift bestowed unto them by the King only forced them to work even harder. Soon, they no longer saw the King as a gentle, saintly man, but one who was evil, and would use reverse psychology just to get his men to work harder. Incensed, Robin Hood and his men plotted a comeback: They were going to steal the King’s most beloved treasure and make away with it.

This treasure was none other than the King’s secret love, as well as Robin Hood’s fellow slave, Maid Marian.

Just stealing Marian away, however, was not enough for Robin Hood and his Merry Men to get over their anger. They had to break the King’s heart. So, on a dark and stormy night, when Kahn’s wife was out and Kahn was busy making love with Marian, Robin Hood and his Merry Men sneaked in.

Oh, how long they waited for the perfect moment! They waited, and waited, and finally, their patience paid off. Just as Kahn shouted, “我来也! 我来也!” Robin Hood swooped in, formed a human chain with his 140 other Merry Men, and passed Maid Marian all the way to Jiangxi.

How it broke the King’s heart! To lose his loved one, as well as his valued slaves, all in one night! Grieved, he left his semen for his wife, and hung himself. 9 months later, Genghis Kahn became the first test tube baby to be born.

As the words “我来也!” were the very words that signalled the start of Robin Hood’s new life, whenever he stole from the rich, he would shout out, “我来也!” before coming down on the wealthy aristocrats and stripping them of their valuables. This was a sign of Robin Hood’s humility; he would not forget about his humiliating past even if he were to make it big in life.

The stories of Robin Hood and his Merry Men were passed down generation after generation. Writers of his stories finally found publishers when the Chinese invented the printer. These stories were then shipped over to the European countries, the very first sign of globalisation. However, because the haughty Europeans were unhappy that the Chinese could create such a wondrous invention as the printer, and because they were all prim and proper, they censored the story and made a whole new setting for the story, which is what most of us know it by today.

Moral of the story? Chinese should be credited with the invention of IVF as well, retards.